18 Feb Thinking of an Automated Phone Service?
Here’s a purpose written script ready for use:
“This is Arsebiscuits Veterinary Hospital automated telephone system.
Please listen carefully to the following options:
Press 1 to make an appointment.
Press 2 to tell us your life story as well as your pet’s before making an appointment.
Press 3 if your pet’s condition has persisted for six months but has suddenly become an emergency and needs seeing this evening.
Press 4 if you feel your pet’s condition is more urgent than the emergency the vet is currently seeing.
Press 5 if you would like us to trim your 100kg aggressive dog’s nails without a muzzle because you think they are inhumane and anyway, he doesn’t bite – just lets you know when he’s had enough with a little nip.
Press 6 if you demand immediate treatment but would like to withhold payment for 6 months.
Press 7 if you arrive at the surgery in a new Jaguar XJS but can only pay your bill for routine vaccination at ten pounds per month.
Press 8 if your dog has been hit by a car (again) because it was off the lead again).
Press 9 if you would like to vent your unfounded anger or aggression on one of our nurses or receptionists.
Press 10 if you pet hasn’t eaten for 2 weeks and you’ve only just become concerned.
Press 11 if your dog has chewed out all its sutures because you removed its buster collar even though we explicitly told you not to.
Press 12 to find out our busiest times so you can ensure that when you turn up without an appointment and demand to be seen, maximum chaos will be caused.
Press 13 if you are mad, Greek, middle-aged and have a small ginger kitten in a ‘ Midland Bank Griffin Super Saver’ sports bag.
Press 14 if you smell of wee
Press 15 if you are a crap breeder and wish to attend the surgery purely to educate us mere mortals about the husbandry of (insert appropriate yappy breed here …)
Press 16 if your 14 year old bitch who you refused to spay on ethical grounds and who has mammary lumps the size of Ireland and has finally collapsed on the floor with yellow fluid coming out of her back end.
Press 17 if you are a breeder and you think it’s oh so nice to arrange puppies or kittens to be due on or around Christmas Day.
Press 18 if it’s after 10pm and you need to know the current legislation about the export of goats.
Press 19 if your bitch has been in labour all weekend and you have only now decided something may be wrong.
Press 20 if you are a random teenager who would like a placement because you saw an episode of Animal Hospital.
Press 21 if 6000 vets in the country have misdiagnosed your dog and you feel we had better get it right this time.
Press 22 if you urgently require a repeat prescription for your pet despite the last time we saw it was sometime in the mid 1980s.
Press 23 if you can’t afford the euthanasia bill for your last dog but want the nurse to find you a new breeder of (insert breed) and tell them you’ll pay up to 400 quid.
Press 24 if you want to shag the vet and make it obvious at every opportunity by wearing three tons of blue eye-shadow and a skirt so short the world’s your gynaecologist for every consult with aforementioned vet.
Press 25 if you are calling from a mobile but WEAREGOINGTOHAVETOCALLYOUBACKCOZYOUARERUNNINGOUTOFCREDIT
Press 26 if you have found a stray animal that you can’t possibly leave outside ‘in the cold’, ‘hungry’ etc and would like us to look after it for you.
Press 27 if you feel sad stray DESPERATELY needs to be treated but you’re not expecting to pay as it’s not your pet.
Press 28 if you have decided to take in stray after he’s had his free treatment.
Press 29 if you wish to book your 9 year old dog in for a ‘booster’ because it’s going into the kennels in 3 minutes even though its last injections were at 10 weeks of age.
Press 30 if you pressed 29 but think paying for a full primary vaccination is unnecessary and extortionate and the vet is trying to swindle you.
Press 31 if you watched the Dispatches programme about vets and think they’re all lying, cheating bastards who don’t care about animals.
Press 32 if it’s 9.30pm on a Saturday and the Rottweiler you took on from a rescue centre three weeks ago, knowing he was bad tempered but you thought you could change him, is currently going bananas in the back garden and has just attacked you and wonder if it could be put to sleep straight away but you really love it but have no money or transport.
Press 33 if you think your dog is having a gastric torsion but refuse to see anyone except ( insert vets name), who is currently on holiday for a fortnight, despite being told your dog will die needlessly in complete agony within an hour or two.
Press 34 if you dropped your pet off for an operation 20 minutes ago and want to know if it’s awake yet and when you can pick it up.
Press 35 if it’s really hot outside and you’re worried the pigeons will get stuck in the melted tarmac.
Press 36 if you are a companion animal who can describe your symptoms much better than your useless owner.
Press 37 if you are being ‘bitten to death’ by fleas but refuse to come in for a free flea appointment, despite the fact you are not registered with any vet.
Press 38 if you accidentally gave your cat all its diazepam at once and now it won’t stop tripping out and has already eaten 12 tins of Whiskas.
Press 39 if you are a rep calling for the 78th time today to speak to a vet who can’t be bothered to see you.
…alternatively, please hold.”